If I Didn't Have To

Sure, it’s beautiful.

It creates community- a family like no other.

It lifts me up and makes me feel whole and at home.

Still, if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t.

Who would want to go into something knowing it would break them?

Knowing the crash is inevitable,

Knowing things will end abruptly, often before you’re ready?

But, the thing is, I do have to.

Because if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t be able to say I did my best.

I wouldn’t be honest.

I wouldn’t be brave.

I wouldn’t be living.

I do it because I have to.


I wrote this poem right before tech week for A Wrinkle in Time began. I’ve had such a wonderful time in rehearsals and it’s been a true joy getting the chance to share so many hours with these people. Still, as I approached tech week my heart started to break a little. Theatre is beautiful, but it is also heartbreaking. Yes, the sadness that comes from getting rejected from an audition is awful, but I would argue that the bittersweetness that comes with knowing a beautiful thing has to end is worse. If I didn’t have to do theatre, I wouldn’t. If I didn’t feel that this is what I was meant to do with my life, I wouldn’t touch it. I don’t like change or feeling uncomfortable, and there is so much of both in this world. But, the thing is, I do feel that this is what I was meant to do. So I continue to, and I strive to remember all the reasons I love it when it gets hard.