At the start of the school year, I made the decision to be as involved as I could. This meant not only taking many, many classes, but also doing choir. We meet on Mondays and Wednesdays, and it has allowed me to cultivate friendships with some truly amazing people.
I talked on a previous Friday about how I tend to be self-conscious about my voice and how I'm trying to overcome that, but I failed to mention that the coming Tuesday, I would be trying out for Les Misérables for the Spring musical. I won't lie, I was absolutely terrified. I hadn't tried for something since my Sophomore year, and I've already mentioned how that turned out. I knew, though, that if I didn't try out, I'd regret it terribly for the rest of the year. I tried out for parts that I have always loved, and although I was petrified, I was also very excited.
On Tuesday after Spanish, I walked to the music room and waited with a few Sophomore and Freshman girls. They were all very sweet and encouraging, and made the actual "walking into the music room" far less scary.
I left the audition feeling like I could burst into tears at any given moment. Not because I thought I had done horribly, but because I was feeling so many emotions and didn't know what to do with them. I have no idea what will happen next, but I'm proud of myself for auditioning.
I wrote the previous portion before I knew the outcome of the audition, and now I do. I won't be part of the main cast, and of course I'm disappointed, but I'm not as upset as I was after my failed try out a year ago, and I think I know why. I am in a much better place (both physically and emotionally) than I was last year. I may have gone through the feeling of "I'm not good enough," this week, but that doesn't mean that I will never be good enough. Last year, I was still coming to terms with my own self-confidence, and although I haven't fully grasped it yet, I think I have a far better handle on it than I did. I based my entire self-esteem on getting into that elite choir, which was a huge mistake for so many reasons. I ended up being in yearbook instead, which actually boosted my self-esteem incredibly.
I think this whole experience showed me that although rejection really, really, really sucks, it doesn't mean that my entire soul needs to be shattered. I'm still part of the musical, and that is something to be proud of. I have been given the chance to work with some really great people who I enjoy being around anyway, so honestly? The pros of this rejection seem to be outweighing the cons. Any musical ability that I may have has not gone away. Below I have attached a picture of me singing my very first solo at the tender age of seven. When my teacher told my mom about my finding out, she said that she had "never seen someone smile that much." Hopefully I never lose the smile of a seven year old :-)